There are very few people who succeed in relationships. The majority of us fail at what we crave the most–LOVE AND INTIMACY. I know I used to think that I was good at this, but during the time my marriage lasted, I was reminded of failing miserably every day. I found myself locked daily in a battle with someone who reminded me that, despite all my education and savvy, I really had no clue about LOVE AND INTIMACY. I am also sure that this man that said he loved me had no clue either. The constant daily effort to be present, open, honest, transparent, and defenseless before another human being, stirs up the urge in everyone to withdraw and hide. So mysterious, this being drawn by intimacy, or pushed away from it. Wanting to be close to someone, and then finding yourself in that position and realizing that you don’t really want to be that close. Needing to be near, but not so near, praying for the end of loneliness and having a companion, but then not really wanting constant company.
That is where I find myself right now. There are days I desire a companion so badly that it hurts. Then, I have days that I feel perfectly well living on my own. So what do I really want?
I am sure that loving and being loved by someone enhances life. Even though marriage is very difficult, I am glad I took the risk and threw myself headlong onto this cliff-hanger called marital union. It is emotionally and spiritually bloody, bruising, and often humiliating work. It calls upon you to negotiate, compromise, roll with the punches, cling and hold on by your fingernails, and build and rebuild from scratch a partnership that works for the two involved. Not even true love, if such a thing exists, can rescue you from yourself. You are continually facing who you truly are. But, finding love and fighting to keep it, can open up wonderfully new channels for me if I really choose to be committed to a lifetime of personal growth and self discovery.
So in the end, do I want this for myself? Do I really want to go back to being married? Yes, because I have loved deeply and it was the best time of my life. Maybe next time when I marry someone I will not feel so deeply in love, or maybe the sexual attraction is not as strong, but I am sure that I do want a man in my life who is open to share the authenticity of BEING. I do want to take care and be taken care of, even though it is a difficult endeavor. I am willing to take the risk again because in the end, I will have grown and redefined who I am.
“Wanting to be close to someone, and then finding yourself in that position and realizing that you don’t really want to be that close. Needing to be near, but not so near, praying for the end of loneliness and having a companion, but then not really wanting constant company.”
I love those lines.
Thank you K., I do think we all end up having those feelings when we are in a relationship, and that is when we begin having problems. But, like I wrote, it is worth it, everything that being in a relationship entails.
Hmmm. why am I on your blogroll? Do I know you? how might we know each other? hmmmm. curious.
x
Marriage is hard. really, really hard. I have been with my husband for 16 years and the last few, filled with new children and houses have left us forgetting who we are to each other and its work, REAL WORK man, to get that shit straight. But ultimately worth it.
xx